Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
