Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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