Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
