Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
