His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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