WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize