It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
