my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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