everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
