I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
