i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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