the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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