I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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