Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
