the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
