I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
