Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
