He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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