It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
