Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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