Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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