He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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