You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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