Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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