I wish I could punch you in the face.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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