even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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