The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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