So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
