Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
vagina is talking i cant
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
