Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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