i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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