from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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