3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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