Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
