Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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