Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
