and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
