Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
