I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
