Heybabeimwearingurpanties
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The beer is more important than you right now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
