names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
