Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
