god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
