So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
