I think im going to throw up on grandma
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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