3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
