I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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