awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
