a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
