I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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