So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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