Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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