Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize