Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
