Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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