The best revenge is premature balding
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
