I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
