If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
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