i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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