your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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